Tools of the Trade: The Safer Sex Kit

Learning to communicate and cooperate in safer sex helps us to communicate and cooperate in our sexual relationships, and that enhances those relationships as well as our own sexuality. Talking about how and when to use a condom or dam and getting that down pat — including how to put them on right and use them in ways that feel good — makes talking about how you’d like to try something new, or about how you want to try and find greater sexual satisfaction a LOT easier. What it also means is that BOTH of you make the decisions and choices. If ever you find yourself in a situation where one partner makes all the rules, all the choices, and shoulders all the responsibility (or worse, is in charge of keeping you both unsafe and irresponsible), stand up for yourself: remember that if it isn’t taking two, it’s no partnership at all. And if it isn’t taking two? Then it’s likely only one of you is actually having sex.

Take turns putting on barriers: Sometimes barriers are a lot more exciting when one partner puts one on the other. Create a joint budget for safer sex supplies and do your shopping and choosing together. Talk about what you each want and need to feel safe. Make a sex kit that is just for the two of you, creating a cool case or container that’s personalized. If you don’t like the brand of condom or lube you’re using, explore together to find what does work best for the both of you. You can make a date out of STI testing instead of going it alone. When you and your partners share responsibilities with sex, caring well for one another mutually, it can not only keep you both healthy so you can enjoy that relationship best, it can deepen your bond and your partnership, no matter what kind of bond or partnership it is.

You can explain to your partners that being truly aware of what the risks are when deciding on what sexual activities to participate in and how, and being aware of one’s own status with regular testing makes all the difference in the world in terms of a positive, healthy sexuality

Now that you know what safer sex is, want to double-check what it isn’t? Click here. What about safer sex for your heart and mind? Check this out.

Love and trust don’t reduce the risk of STIs by themselves. We can trust someone as much as they want, or they us, but if one or both of us has an STI, that won’t change anything: we can still give one another the infection. Being monogamous or married doesn’t reduce the risk of STIs all by itself (unless both people are and always stay monogamous, and both came to the relationship without any bbwcupid down STIs), nor does someone having only one sexual partner at a time. “Technical virginity” — abstaining from vaginal intercourse but doing everything else under the sun — doesn’t reduce STI risks, either. Going without safer sex also doesn’t make any of those things happen, either: taking big health risks doesn’t create love or trust, monogamy or make someone who has had sex into someone who hasn’t.

To get a full screening, you’ll have blood, urine and genital and/or throat swab tests. Folks with vulvas will also have a pap smear to screen for cervical cell changes usually due to infections. After getting tested, there’s generally a waiting period to get results back, anywhere from a few days to a few weeks. That waiting period can be pretty nerve-wracking the time you get tested, especially if you think you have been at risk of an STI, so see if you can’t find a partner or friend to give you support. If it helps, know the wait used to be a lot longer than it is now and it does get easier the more often you do it. (Yeah, I didn’t think it would help, but it seemed worth a try).

None of this is to say there is one right or wrong thing for everyone when it comes to when we become sexually active or how many partners we have, or that having a given number of sexual partners — or none at all — makes anyone a better or worse person. What’s right for us emotionally, interpersonally, in terms of our life goals, experiences and relationships is something we have to figure out for ourselves, and something that varies a lot among people. But from a standpoint of personal and public health, delaying sexual activity with partners and limiting partners can make a difference.

What if you or a partner already have an STI?

When you and your partners have that going on, whatever consent you give or get gets to be truly informed consent. Being informed and acting in accordance with realistic information benefits all of us sexually. People who really respect other people respect that. And when we all get informed and act responsibly, we can make a viable difference in the level and prevalence of disease in our world and help make it a safer place for everybody.

In good sex, more than one person is in the driver’s seat: One of the coolest things about partnered sex — whether it’s serious, casual or in between — is that it’s about union, about coming together and making something totally new and original. And that’s something safer sex can help support.